I laughed so hard I nearly puked
by x.Sess.x.Satan.x
Summary: What exactly happened when Lister's harness snapped in the Cargo Bay? Here is my answer...


**Disclaimer:** They're not mine. Simple as that.

**Author's** **note:** Having SERIOUS problems with 'Love' (suggestions welcome!!!) I wrote this fic aaaaages ago and I've decided to post it now because…I'm bored. Inspiration: I watched the entire first series of Red Dwarf when I was ill a while back, and during "Balance of Power" and idea hit me. As I picked myself up and nursed my bruises, a got a sudden thought: I can write a fanfic based around that piece of dialogue! So I did. By the way, Nicole is dropped into the story somewhere - a Brownie point for the first one to spot it! :)

_Rimmer looked at his bunkmate, chowing down on his freshly baked cake, "Well, Lister," he said mock-cheerily, "You're doing all right, then?"  
_"_Not bad," Lister replied, "Not bad at all."  
__Rimmer twiddled his fingers, "Listen, Lister. All this tension between us is stupid. There's just no need for it," he looked up and Lister took a swig from his can of lager, "I mean, you're tense, and I'm tense, and there's just absolutely no need for it." Rimmer repeated.  
_"_I'm not tense."  
__Rimmer stood up sharply, "Of course you're tense, you rectum-faced pygmy!" he regained his composure and began to sit back down, "Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I mean, there's no need for you to be slogging your guts out."  
_"_I'm enjoying it."  
__Rimmer lost it again, "Shut up!" He looked around the room trying to think of something to say. He took on a more calming tone of voice, "Doing an exam, and doing so well. There's absolutely no need for it, Lister," he decided to bargain with him, "You can have the cigarettes, they're in pipeline 22."  
__Lister held up a pack with a smile on his face, "I know."  
__Rimmer's face twitched, "Good. The Cat betrayed me. I don't mind. I'm delighted," he said, although he didn't look it, "What I'm saying, Lister, is there's no need for us to be at loggerheads. I mean we're mates. We're pals."  
__Lister stared at the hologram incredulously.  
_"_Since when?"  
_"_Oh, come on, Lister! Laugh, laugh, laugh, chuckle, guffaw, giggle! That's Rimsy and Listy!"  
_"_When?"  
_"_Millions of times!"  
_"_WHEN?"  
__Rimmer thought. Then he thought a bit harder. And harder still.  
_"_Ah..." he began. Then he stopped. That wasn't a good example.  
_"_Ah!" he said again. This time he was on to a winner; he didn't know why he hadn't thought of it sooner. It had all began a couple of months after Lister had first joined Red Dwarf. _

Lister stripped off his paint-stained spacesuit and carelessly chucked it in the general direction of the laundry basket. It missed by quite some distance. He took a cigarette and his lighter out of his pocket and lit up. He climbed clumsily into his bunk, took out the photo of Krissy Kochanski and kissed it lightly.  
"You're not still poring over that stupid photo, are you?"  
Lister rolled his eyes. It had only been two and a half months and Rimmer was already the person who annoyed him the most.  
"Why do you care?"  
"I care, Lister, because it is a distraction. Whenever I try to revise, you're just lying there sighing over some relationship that doesn't even exist."  
"It could exist!"  
Rimmer snorted.  
"Where've you been, anyway? I didn't have any help in repairing the chocolate dispenser."  
"Got P.D. again."  
"Again?!"  
"Yeah."  
"What did you do this time? No, wait, let me guess: you went to Kochanski's quarters and wouldn't leave her alone until you got a signed bra."  
"Did you follow me or something?" Lister inquired sincerely.  
"No!"  
"Yes you did, you were there!"  
"No, I wasn't!"  
"You were; you're blushing!" Lister smirked.  
Rimmer turned away quickly.  
"You went down to see her roommate, didn't you? The lovely Nicole…!"  
"Shut up, Lister! When are you coming back?" Rimmer changed the subject rapidly.  
"Tomorrow. What job's on?"  
"We're down in the Cargo Bay; there's a ruptured pipe that needs fixing…"

The next day Rimmer and Lister stood in the Cargo Bay. Rimmer read the Captain's instructions carefully. Then he re-read them. And again. And one more time. Still he didn't understand. Oh well, he thought, I'm sure it's nothing a little hard-hold glue won't fix.  
"So where is this pipe then? I can't see anything," Lister asked, breaking Rimmer's concentration.  
"It's, er, it's up there," he said, pointing at the ceiling. Lister craned his neck to see the pipe against a backdrop of a network of thinner pipes and runners. He groaned as he saw Rimmer produce a pair of climbing ropes. They were going up.

Or, more accurately, _he_ was going up. Rimmer had decided it was best all round if he stayed on the ground and kept an eye on things. In other words, he was a smegging coward. Lister struggled into the safety harness and clipped on a rope. The rope was sent up and it automatically attached itself to one of the runners. Lister took the instructions from Rimmer's outstretched arm with an evil glare. He seized the rung of a climbing rail on the wall, and started climbing. Halfway up he adjusted the strap on his helmet for the fifth time - no matter what he did it always choked him; though not nearly as much as the safety harness. Every Red Dwarf issue item he had was at least two sizes too small, apart from a leather jacket, which was fortunate because it was the one thing he thought was quite cool. Three quarters of the way up he adjusted the strap again. He gingerly rubbed the indent it had given him in his neck and he winced.  
"Get on with it!" he heard Rimmer's voice.  
"Shut up," he muttered to himself, "Just shut up…"

When he finally got to the top he attached a second security rope to the ceiling, trying hard not to look down. He put one foot on the metal panel specially designed for people to walk across - Lister knew this; he knew it, but he didn't feel it. He closed his eyes and put the other foot on. He took a deep breath and made his way over to the ruptured pipe. He was slow and tentative at first, but as his confidence built up, so did his speed. He was soon at the pipe, and taking Rimmer's instructions out of his pocket. He looked up at the pipe to see where the problem lay. The problem was, he couldn't actually see where the problem lay. He gripped onto one of the safety ropes and gradually lowered his gaze until his eyes met Rimmer.  
"Where's the rupture?" he yelled.  
"On the other side," Rimmer yelled back, gesticulating madly.  
"You little--" his words were, thankfully, cut off by a loud whooshing sound. Lister instinctively grabbed the other rope with his other hand, crumpling the instructions. It seemed like hours before the whooshing stopped and Lister could make his way round. He looked over and saw the other metal panel, parallel to the one he was standing on. It wasn't too far; he could jump. The only trouble was, his safety gear was all attached to the wrong runners. He made a judgment. A judgment he would regret later.

He unclipped everything. The safety rope; the backup safety rope; the waist harness; he even loosened his helmet. He gathered up all the bits and bobs into one of his hands and held on to them tightly. He jumped. He missed. He took hold of the safety gear in his other hand and held on tight. The thing was, it didn't matter how hard Lister gripped the ropes, it didn't make them attached to anything.

Rimmer watched it as though it was in slow motion. He saw Lister take the leap; he saw him scrape the panel with his toe; he saw him plummet towards the ground; he saw the safety harness get caught on a protruding bolt. He couldn't help it. He fainted.

Lister took a minute to restore his composure. His first thought was get help. But it was futile - Rimmer was lying unconscious on the floor. He took several deep breaths and calmed himself. He willed himself to think rationally, and he thought of something. He let down one of the ropes so it was stretched out, then carefully reached round and put the other end in a rivet in the wall. It was sent up and automatically attached once more. He looped the other end around his waist harness several times over, and eased himself off the bolt. He pulled himself up slowly, more than a hint of relief in his mind: He was going to make it!

Rimmer woke up to find Lister scaling back up the wall. He watched with anticipation as he got closer and closer to the top.

Maybe it was the tightness of the harness. Maybe it was because Lister had loosened the straps. There were a million possible reasons, but it wasn't particularly important. What was important was what happened: the safety harness snapped. There was nothing either of them could have done but wait until the whole thing was played out: Lister fell, screaming, a total of 57 feet, 3 inches. It was probably a good thing he was knocked out on impact, because at least then he didn't have to suffer the unbearable pain.

"_We laughed then, didn't we?" Rimmer concluded after giving Lister a brief synopsis of the story.  
_"_I broke me spine in three places!"  
_"_Yes, but it was hilarious! We laughed like drains!"  
__"YOU laughed; I spent six weeks in traction!  
_"_Yes, that's right, that's right! And you spent the rest of the summer walking around like a croquet hoop!" Rimmer said holding his arms out in illustration, "Oh, I laughed so hard I nearly puked, I really did!"_


End file.
